2006-12-08 - 4:57 p.m.
Loneliness and the New Wife
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Sitting at home alone yesterday while examining the size of my hands and thinking about how good the bass sounds on Sloan's One Chord to Another, I realized that I was examining the size of my hands and thinking about how good the bass sounds on Sloan's One Chord to Another.
These are, obviously, the preoccupations of a stoner. I, meanwhile, hadn't been stoned in weeks.
Was I high?
I thought about that for a while...
Sitting, as I was, in a pair of tights and a sweater, cutting up an old dress (to become a new bag), listening to records, basking in the sunlight pouring in through the window and the heat pouring forth from the kerosene heater, it's not at all shocking that I should be feeling really good.
However, my hands really did seem oddly small and dwarf-like while I know them to be, in reality, long and graceful. Also, the euphoria I was experiencing was different from a general sense of well-being. It was coming from the very back of the roof of my mouth. And, hot damn, that record sounded REALLY good.
What had I eaten today?
Coffee. A bowl of oatmeal made delicious with raisins, chestnuts, and syrup. Two cups of jasmine and ginger tea.
The chestnuts I'd put into my oatmeal were far from fresh, but I don't think that they'd spoiled, and I doubt very much that they would possess any psychoactive chemicals - or even the building blocks for any psychoactive chemicals - if they had.
I'd put an awful of ginger into my tea but, again, ginger does not, to my knowledge, contain anything fun, or even anything with the potential for fun.
I ate some more chestnuts and made some more tea, and also considered the possibility that I was simply lonely.
I've been spending an awful lot of time alone with my imagination lately.
Shuhei and my wedding party stank. At least half of the people there I met, that night, for the first time. An hour into the wedding party there isn't much I wouldn't have given to have an Ellen, or a Lucie, or a Michael, or a Xavier, or anyone in attendance for my side.
And it would be nice to have different words to describe That Loneliness and This Loneliness because the two are completely different.
Most of my loneliness is enjoyable. I let my imagination wander off, as far as it can go. (It gets better and better everytime it comes back.) I refresh my memories. (I have, I know, a nasty habit of remembering only bad things. Recollecting and maintaining good memories requires a conscious effort from my conscious self.) I re-think stories: fictional, folk, and personal, all of which is both lonely and enjoyable work.
Still, having to seriously consider whether or not one is, in fact, stoned is an obvious indication that too much time is being spent lonely. (Having to seriously consider whether or not one is stoned may also be an obvious indication that too much time is being spent stoned but, in my case, that's not the issue.)
Probably I should do something about this. Probably I should do something about this sooner rather than later. But, because I've been enjoying my loneliness, feel obligated to act only because it seems likely to strain my new marriage if I spend the whole Winter this way, I'm at a loss for what to do...
